You're perfect. I should just end this entry right there. I mean that pretty much sums up this entire journal right? If I could put this whole journal thing in bullet points it would be something like this:
- You're perfect.
- I love you and Daddy.
- I'm horrible at keeping up with your journal.
- I'm lucky.
You are now more than 7 months old. 7 months? 7 months. I don't know how it's possible. It shouldn't be. I swear you were just in my belly last week. I would put MONEY on the fact that we just brought you home from the hospital yesterday. But I would be wrong. We have held you in our arms now for more than 7 months. And the best 7 months of my life they have been. You have brought so much joy, peace and completion into my life that I didn't even know was missing.
Before I ever got pregnant with you, Daddy and I would talk about what life would be like with or without a baby. We both always wanted kids, and we said when we got married that we would wait about 3 years before having any. But those 3 years came and went so quickly! When we thought about starting our family, I'll admit, I was hesitant. What if having you would change everything? I didn't want anything to change. I loved my life with me and Daddy and our puppy Bella. I loved my roadster sports car, my perfectly clean white carpet, my flat belly, and our quiet home. I thought that people must have this "feeling" to want to get pregnant. They must "feel" like they are missing out on something. Or like a piece to the puzzle of their life is missing, and a baby would complete it. I never felt like that. I felt content. What if you cried all the time and no one would want to babysit you? What if I hated being a mom? What if you drove Daddy and I apart because we disagreed over how to raise you? What if you made us tired and cranky and we fought all the time? What if? What if? What if?
Well despite my nerves and constant questioning, the test read "yes" and you were on your way. When we did the math, we figured out that we had only been "trying" to get pregnant for like 2 days before you were conceived. It almost made me feel guilty. Many of my friends and family had tried for YEARS to get pregnant. Trying, fighting, praying for a baby. And then for me, the one who isn't even sure this is really what I want, just gets it handed to me on a silver platter. How fair is that? Not very. I remember going through my Facebook friends one night when I was pregnant and counting 28 that I knew were struggling with infertility. 28! And that's just the ones I knew about. There were probably even more fighting in silence. I swore that I would never take you for granted. That I would never complain no matter how sick or fat I got. No matter how many sleepless nights or puke stained shirts you gave me. I would thank God for you every. single. day.
My pregnancy ticked on. Day after day. Week after week. Belly shot after growing belly shot. I kept waiting to get that horrible morning sickness. My mom and Daddy's mom were always sick with their babies, so I just knew I would be too. But thankfully, you were good to Momma. No morning sickness here. I didn't crave anything healthy the whole time I was pregnant, so I just KNEW I would blow up huge like Jessica Simpson and never lose the weight. But surprisingly, the doctor told me to gain 25-35 pounds, I gained exactly 30, and I've already lost it all! Since my pregnancy went so easily I began to brace myself for a delivery from hell. Your mom is NO superstar in the pain department and I have to admit, I was SCARED TO DEATH the day we headed to the hospital. And then what do you know, easiest thing I've ever done! No pain, no drama, no nothing. One second it was just me and Daddy holding hands, and the next thing I know, it's 3:23 am and you were laying on top of my belly getting all bundled up and handed to me.
Then came the big moment I had been waiting for. While I was pregnant, people would say, "did you cry when you found out you were pregnant??"
"no" I'd reply.
or, "did you bawl the first time you heard the heartbeat? or saw him on the ultrasound?"
"no, not yet."
I felt a twinge of guilt again. Should I have cried? Why aren't I crying? I should be so overwhelmed with emotion right? I'm a MOM now.
I remember siting on our bed one night with my big pregnant belly petting our sweet dog Bella and crying. Daddy walked in and asked me what was wrong. I told him I felt so bad because I just loved Bella so much more than the baby. I told him if I had to choose between them, I would choose Bella and that's awful because I should want to choose the baby but I just couldn't because I loved Bella too much. Daddy just laughed at me and told me to stop worrying because he was sure I would love you much more than Bella the second I saw you. I called one of my friends and she said, "Just wait until they lay that baby in your arms. The second you look down at him you will just fall in love with him."
So the big moment had arrived. You were in my arms and I was looking down at you...and I felt...i felt...relieved. We had survived. But when I looked down at you, I felt such confusion. You were wonderful, and precious. I knew I wanted to keep you safe and happy, but were you really...mine? I felt like you were a tiny stranger. I thought we would have this instant connection. Like I would look into your eyes and we would bond in a second. But the more I looked at you, the more I felt like I didn't know anything about you. Or anything about myself for that matter.
The hospital days are a blur. The one thing I remember is Daddy's cousin asking me, "Do you love him so much more that you ever thought you would?" She looked kinda shocked whenever I replied with a blunt, "no." I felt guilty about it at first. Was I not cut out to be a Mom after all? Why didn't I cry when he was born? Why do I feel like I don't know him?
I don't feel guilty about this anymore. Maybe some mothers and babies look at each other and angels sing and a light comes down from heaven and they have a magical cosmic connection. Maybe they do. But that was not our story. Our angels sung and a light came down the day you were 1 month old. I remember holding you in my bed and singing happy birthday to you. I couldn't believe you were already 1 month old. It felt like we had JUST brought you home from the hospital. Kind of like it still feels. I was looking down at your perfect tiny body and how much you had already changed in 30 short days. People told me time would fly. They told me not to blink because of how much I would miss in that instant. I smiled and nodded but I didn't understand it until you were 1 month old. And then it hit me. It hit me like a train. Time was flying. I mean FLYING. Unlike anything before. When I stopped to think about how fast that month had disappeared, I realized how fast your first year would disappear. And then the next. And then you'd be in school and have braces and a girlfriend. And you would think I was annoying and embarrassing and I would still think you were perfect. As I looked down at you tiny fingers wrapped around mine the first tear fell. And then another. And then a million more. I started whispering, "I love you. I love you. I love you." I felt like I could never say it enough for you to grasp how big it really was. How deep it really was. I rocked you back and forth and thanked Jesus a thousand times for giving you to me. For giving me something I didn't even know I needed. For giving me something I know I didn't deserve. I did love you so much more than I ever thought I would. Where was Daddy's cousin now? I need to tell her.
I suddenly felt like I couldn't stare at you enough. I couldn't journal in enough detail about your everyday. I couldn't take enough pictures or home videos. No matter how hard I tried to freeze time, to slow it down, to capture it...it just kept flying. You still kept changing and growing. Stop! Stop! Stop!
What if I forget something? I knew it was inevitable, but I wanted to find a way to burn this perfect memory of you sleeping in my arms into my mind forever. So I went through each of the 5 senses.
Sight - I stare at you. You are perfect. You are so beautiful. When you were in my belly, I found this picture on a newborn photographer's website of a baby and it was EXACTLY what i pictured you to look like. Amazingly, you kind of did resemble him a little at birth. But now, I think you're so much better than anything I could of ever imagined or pictured. Your eyes are gray like mine, but right now with them closed I can see how long and beautiful your eyelashes are. I'm slightly jealous. Everyone says you have the most beautiful eyes but my favorite part about you is your little nose and mouth area. I guess your "muzzle" I could call it? It's divine. Like you. I watch your tiny belly rise and fall with each breath you take. I loved the 5 dimples in each of your hands. Is that where your knuckles will be? Or is that in between them? I don't care. I love them. Your funny looking toes look JUST like your Daddy's funny looking toes. We used to joke when I was pregnant that I wanted the baby to look just like Daddy except WITHOUT those toes! Well, you got them anyway and I wouldn't change it for the world. Every time I point it out I look at your Dad and he had the biggest, proudest grin on his face that just melts me. He is so proud of you Roman. The way he stares at you when we take you out in public and people ramble on and on about how cute you are; it's amazing. Everything they're saying just fades out and all I can do is look at your Dad while he's looking at you and try to swallow back the tears. I love the way he loves you. Everything about having you has only made us closer and stronger than ever. We are bonded together now in a way that I never could of even imagined. When we take you out in public anywhere, Daddy always says, "let me hold him!" and then walks in with you and that big 'ol grin. God I love you two, and your funny toes. Your hair is getting longer now. Daddy says it's time to cut it, but how can I? Those are the tiny hairs you grew inside of me! Your first ones! What are we supposed to do? Just chop them off and throw them away? I used to make so much fun of the moms that saved their baby's teeth and hair. "How disgusting!" I'd say...and now, I so want to be that mom! I know, I know. You probably think I'm crazy now too. I'm sure one day when I die, you and your siblings don't want to have to be cleaning out my things and find a jar full of hair locks and baby teeth. Fine, I'll throw them away. But I will cry. And for today I will stare at what a beautiful sight your baby locks are.
Scent - I lean down to kiss your tiny locks and I stop and breathe you in. Anyone who has ever smelled a baby knows exactly what I'm talking about. You smell amazing. I don't know how to describe it other than clean and pure and wonderful. Call me creepy but I can't get enough of how you smell. It's intoxicating, just like you.
Touch - I stroke the back of my finger across your cheek. You are so soft. You are silk and velvet all in one and you are heaven. Your little lips are the tinniest bit wet and the rest of you is clean and dry and soft, soft, soft. People would kill to have skin as fresh and soft as yours. It is divine. And so are you.
Sound - As I stare at you, I listen. I love the tiny sighs and coos you make while dreaming. And when you are awake they get even better. Now that you are 7 months you "talk" to me all day. You are the chattiest little thing and I adore it. So many of your sounds, are starting to sound like they're almost real words. Daddy and I are on pins and needles waiting to hear what your first real word is ( as you could of guessed I'm rooting for "momma"). But I don't think anything is better than the sound of your laughter. Sweet baby, I am addicted to it. As long as you will laugh for me, I think I'd do anything for you. It has got to be the most amazing sound on earth. When you smile and laugh at me I swear I can physically feel my heart swelling with love for you. You are sweeter than I ever could of even imagined you to be. And sometimes, I listen to you cry. It breaks my heart to see you sad, especially because it is so unlike you. You cry so rarely that when you do it pierces right through me and breaks me apart. But even when you cry I am thankful. It means you alive, and you are with me. I will never complain about hearing your cry.
Taste - While you are asleep, I restrain myself to just kissing your head. Just wait until you wake up. You love to stick your chubby little hand straight out at me and I grab your arm and kiss and suck your fingers shouting, "yummmmmmmmmmmy sugar fingers!!" You smile so big and belly laugh so hard that I do it over and over until you get bored with that game. But I don't think I could ever get bored of kissing those sweet little hands and feet. Or your tiny round belly.
The first time I went through the 5 senses with you was on your one month birthday. I told myself that I would do it every day. Every single day. Maybe this would help me to never forget you. All the tiny perfect details of you. Maybe it will, or maybe it won't, but either way, it is my favorite time of day with you. I go through each of them every day. Usually at bedtime, while you're far away and dreaming. But sometimes just randomly during the day or first thing as you're waking up, it will hit me. That same feeling.
Time flying too fast.
I stop. Take a deep breath and breathe you in. And then go through the 5 senses. Sight. Scent. Touch. Sound. Taste.
And then at the end I pray. I thank Jesus every, single, day for you. I don't know why I was one of the ones who was given a baby so quickly. Why aren't I one of the 28 still praying for my baby to come? I don't know. But what I do know, is that you are perfect, I love you and Daddy, I am horrible at keeping up with your journal, and I am lucky.